Akatsuki lifestyles
by The Jar Head
Summary: Ever wondered what happens behind the closed doors of Akatsuki? Well come with me and we'll find out! WARNING: this fiction contains pointlessly random humor at every step, proceed with extreme caution! YAY, Here comes the big one! Chapter 4!
1. Deidara's Plan

**Akatsuki lifestyles **

**(A/N: I do not own Naruto or anything else you read in this fic that is in fact owned by someone else.)**

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"Humph, Sasori-danna is soooo mean, he wont even let me paint his nails. I'M AN ARTIST DAMNIT I NEED TO WORK!" Deidara of the Akatsuki organization complained, while spending some alone time with his side projects. Hey, there had to be at least one prankster in Akatsuki right? Deidara was in a room filled with his first clay creations from when he was a child, framed of course, in a glass cabinet. Also there was a machine that worked day and night, producing Deidara's preferred type of clay. Then of course, all of the things he used to get on the others members of Akatsuki's nerves, among which were stacks of clay pizza's ridden in a corner, which reminded him that it was his turn to cook dinner, he smiled at this knowing it would cause everyone else to be worried about what they were about to consume, never anywhere else would you see a 5ft 5 venis flytrap in a black cloak with red clouds be afraid of what he was eating.

Deidara had begun hating Sasori to an extent where he detested going out on assignments with him. Lately the puppet master had just become seriously moody with everyone else within Akatsuki. Well, he originally was seriously moody, but this was like 24/7 period moody.

"Fine" He schemed "I'll just have to get back at him for being such a moody ass"

Fifteen minuets later…

"GOT IT!" Deidara bellowed, running out of his storeroom.

* * *

In another area of the hideout, Sasori from the hidden sand village and Itachi from the hidden leaf village were sitting at a table, Itachi was currently reading an ancient text, almost near impossible to read by human eyes, and Sasori was slumped over onto the table, looking very depressed.

Deidara walked in…

"Hey danna!" He perked ruffling Sasori's red hair

"What?" He sneered back, shooting Deidara a glare

"Put you hands up in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care" Deidara demonstrated what he meant, as Itachi arched an eyebrow and began carefully rolling up his scroll.

"…no" Sasori replied

"Then just put your hands up in the air like this danna" Deidara's hands stopped moving around, though they were still in the air.

"…no"

"Please?"

"…no"

"Pretty please?"

"no"

"Pretty please with sugar on top?"

"No"

"Pretty please with two sugars on top?"

"No!"

"Pretty please with two sugars on top, and three scoops of chocolate ice-cream?"

"NO!"

"…vanilla?"

"NO!!!!"

"Pretty please with two sugars on top, three scoops of STRAWBERRY ice-cream, and one of those 99p flake things jammed in the side?"

NO!!!!111!!!!?!! $!!!!11!

"…please?"

"ALRIGHT FINE, FOR FUCKS SAKE, BUT IF I DO THIS! WILL, YOU, JUST, FUCK, OFF!!!!!"

"Yay danna" Deidara began clapping.

After signing in annoyance, Sasori sat up, and raised both his arms in the air. "Like this?" He asked

"_Yeah!" _Deidara though as his eyes went all shifty and evil, he made a lunge for Sasori's arms, and succeeded in pulling them from the shoulder sockets of his red haired partner. Itachi, silently watching this entire fiasco suddenly went googly eyed.

Deidara blitzed out of the room in possession of Sasori's arms screaming, "RUN AWAAAAAAY!" As this was happening, the aura around Sasori burst into flames.

"DEIDARA, GET BACK HER NOW!!!!"

"Haha, you'll just have to catch me first Sasori-danna" Deidara cocked from the hallways, Sasori then belted off in hot pursuit off his blonde haired teammate.

Itachi who was still sat down at the table, blinked a few times, then had a moment or two, to himself, then totally pissed himself laughing.

* * *

Five minuets later…

Zetsu walked into the room to find Itachi rolling about the floor like he was having full body seizures.

"…Itachi-san?" Almost instantly, Itachi composed himself and launched back into the scroll he was reading, "I just missed something didn't I Itachi-san?"

The Uchiha nodded silently.

"Damnit…" Zetsu walked back out again.

* * *

**(A/N: I made this chapter on a spur of the moment situation while sitting on a coach coming back from France on a history trip, this one-shot was based on something that more-or-less actually happened on the coach, so thank you to Nuno, spaz, little Chris, Sam B, Sarah C and I think Izzy (can't remember if you were asleep or not sweatdrops)**

**(A/N: I KNOW, FOR FUCKS SAKE I KNOW, it's been a long time since I've written fanfiction, that's because I've had waaaay too much stuff to do in the real world, to be pissing around writing stories that barley anyone will read! But I'm back, for a very short while, and I'm beginning my arc of collective one-shots known as Akatsuki lifestyles. I hope you all enjoy them, AND GIVE ME SOME DAMN GOOD REVIEWS!!! Speaking of which, each chapter is more or less, going to be based on completely different members of Akatsuki, so to avoid confusion of the author, please can you review all chapters individually and not, lets say, make a review of the first five chapters in a single review! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the later instalments)**

**The Jar Head**


	2. National Geographic

**Akatsuki lifestyles **

**(A/N: I do not own Naruto or anything else you read in this fic that is in fact owned by someone else.)

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**

10 members of an elite criminal organization, known as Akatsuki. Each operative has bestowed upon him (or her), incredible skills and power. Their goal, world domination at all costs. Surely such an organization such as this one would have a seriously strict code of conduct?

How wrong could you possibly be?

* * *

Kisame Hoshigaki, formerly from the village hidden in the mist was first to wake on this particular morn. He strode out off the kitchen and dove into the couch located a few feet away, not to far from the TV and switched the channel immediately to discovery. There was a marathon of 'the deepest catch' on that he already been showing for an hour and a half. When as if by instinct, Itachi Uchiha, formerly from the village hidden in the leaves stalked into the kitchen, and began eyeing up the fridge his teammate had just moved away from. 

"Hmmm…" Itachi pondered while opening the fridge door, and then shortly after furrowed his brow. Instantly, he shot a glare at Kisame, moving closer to the couch with an item from the fridge in his hand.

* * *

"Kisame, I couldn't help but notice that were out of milk again." Itachi stated, standing behind the couch. 

"_Uh-oh, here we go again…"_ Kisame though, slowly regretting his previous actions, not daring to turn around.

"And I also couldn't help but notice that it was you who used the last of it" Itachi carried on.

"Yeah…" Kisame answered

"And that you put the empty bottle back in the fridge" Itachi explained, getting slightly more annoyed.

"Yeah, so?" Kisame deadpanned

"Do you realise how ANNOYING that is?" Itachi asked, getting even more annoyed.

"…guess not" Kisame shot back, knowing that Itachi's mangekyo had to be activated by now. 

"Kisame, did I ever tell you why I really killed my entire clan?" Itachi said slyly

"ALRIGHT FINE! I'LL GO GET YOUR DAMN MILK!" Kisame bellowed, jumping from the couch and storming off to the door.

"And make sure it's 28 pints this time" Itachi added before his voice was cut off by the sound of a slamming door. Itachi now in the room alone, waited a few seconds before taking a seat himself and switching the channel to national geographic.

"What a tool" he said before slamming his feet into the coffee table.

* * *

After a one and a half hour section of 'animals of africa', Itachi ran into a section solely about sharks, his ears perked up from the sound of Deidara's breakfast cooking, consisting of raw meat and clay explosive, to listen. 

**"While the shark is referred to as the most fearsome creature of the sea, and more commonly as the terror of the sea, even for a great white shark, it is actually more likely to hear about a dolphin, it's friendly cousin, attacking and beating a shark in combat than to hear about a eight legged man buying jeans."**

Itachi turned up the volume.

**"Sharks might even seem to you and me quite pathetic. Take the following example. This shark here was raised in captivity with no contact with its own kind. Notice its bone structure and sunken face. While this dolphin, also raised in captivity, looks to be quiet angry at all times. I can say without a doubt that if I were to let these to into the same body of water, the shark would be dead within minuets."**

Itachi zoned out, and began focusing in his mind, an image of Kisame being killed by one of his old sensei's: Iruka Umino. When of course Kisame walked back into the room lugging eight shopping bags in his hands.

"Hey Itachi-san, im back… WITH the milk before you say anything" Stressed Kisame swinging all the milk over to Deidara, who was still in the kitchen. When Itachi suddenly turned to Kisame and stated:

"I have lost all respect for you…" He deadpanned, Kisame swore under his breath

"You've been watching 'animal planet' again haven't you?" Kisame cocked going slinty-eyed on his teammate.

"NO! It's 'national geographic', duh" The Uchiha shot back, staring menacingly at Kisame.

"Okay, whatever 'emo boy' just move over and let me sit down" Itachi shuffled over silently, and the two lived on happily ever after.

**(A/N: Until of course, when Itachi turned 20 and went blind. XD But you people aren't supposed to know that! So chapter two finished, what do you people think? REVIEWS PLEASE If you do review this and also make a decent suggestion, I will love you forever and marry you! Even though I am technically married already, but apparently whatever happens in Belgium stays in Belgium…so yeah! lol, Izzy!)**

**The Jar Head!**


	3. AAARRRGGGHHH, NOT THE FILLER!

**Akatsuki lifestyles **

**(A/N: I do not own Naruto or anything else you read in this fic that is in fact owned by someone else.)

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**

"Kakuzu-san?" Sasori asked completely out of nowhere.

"What!?" He spat back, cursing the puppet master for scaring him half to death.

"I'm looking for Deidara-san, have you seen him recently?" Sasori, despite the obvious fact that he still hadn't retrieved his arms back from Deidara, even though it had been a full week, and then there is his obvious murderous intent on killing Deidara, he seemed pretty calm.

"No, actually I haven't seen him since breakfast this morning" Kakuzu replied placidly. Sasori nodded silently and stormed off without another word. _"Man, what's with him recently? It's just a pair of arms, its not like he cant make more right?" _"Ah well, BACK TO EBAY!" Kakuzu's eyes flashed to ryou signs.

* * *

Meanwhile on the complete other side of the Akatsuki base.

"Hey Deidara?" Hidan began to question

"Hmm?" He replied

"What's been eating Sasori recently? He just seems to be pissed off at anything that moves and well, you his squad mate, so I was wondering what's going on?" Hidan explained

"Heh heh, don't worry about danna! He's 'armless!" Deidara cocked, walking off gleefully, leaving Hidan more confused than what he was to begin with.

* * *

In the kitchen, the leader was busy cursing the hell out of Akatsuki and washing the dishes.

"Grrr… I'm the leader, I started this whole organization, I call the shots! WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THE BLEEDING DISHES!?!?!?!"

"Hm, calm down honey, stress isn't good for the brain" the female member of Akatsuki suggested, walking into the kitchen, and gracefully sat on one of the stools by the breakfast bar.

"Don't you start! Hey, actually isn't it your turn to do these dishes anyway?" The leader questioned

"It was, but I just finished painting my nails" She shot back cockily

"Hn, those look pretty dry to me," The leader argued

"Er, toenails duh!" She countered, by swinging her legs onto the breakfast bar and slamming her feet into the table. She then looked at him and winked.

"_Grrr, damn that cow!" _The leader thought, turning back to the dishes, promptly snapping one in half, and give in to his frustration. "AARRGGHH! I HATE DOING DISHES!!!!!" He then used some random jutsu to evaporate all the water and destroyed all the clay-based items within the vicinity.

"Tobi can do dishes, Tobi is a good boy" Tobi appeared from the blue, prancing around the kitchen, making the leader loose control

"FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, WE DON'T NEED GOOD BOY'S. WE NEED BAD MEN!!!!!" The leader began strangling Tobi

"Ahem…" the female member commented, suspiciously eyeing up one of Deidara's briskets.

"AND, bad women too"

* * *

Meanwhile…

"Kakuzu, why are you buying a Zetsu plushie on ebay?" Hidan was confused

"Ha, don't tell me you've never wanted to see what a venis fly trap looks like when it spontaneously combusts?" Kakuzu had ideas to use the plushie as a voodoo doll, then throw it on the stove.

"Can't we just use Uchiha?" Hidan suggested

"Itachi-san, and Kisame-san are out on a assignment together, this is the next best thing Hidan.

"Heh, a'ight this is going to be fun, when all this gonna happen?" Kakuzu began whispering into Hidan's ear for a solid minuet explaining the plan.

* * *

When…

Back in the living room, trying his damn hardest to drown out the voices of the leader and Tobi arguing why, and why not a mask that looks like a fucked up molehill, is and isn't badass, was Zetsu watching one of his exotic cooking shows, when of course he sneezed.

"Bless me" He sniffed, "Hm, someone, somewhere must be talking about me."

**(A/N: I will offer an apology to anyone who hates this chapter, even I think it's substantially shit! BUT however, this is rather just a filler chapter, for chapter 4 will be the big one. Surely someone out there must be thinking that all these S-ranked missing nin will eventually end up killing each other, over something completely and utterly irrational? Chapter 4 is going to be awesome, and if by your standards, it sucks ass. The I apologise in advance for building up the hype like this!)**

**(A/N: Peace and chicken grease!)**

**The Jar Head!**


	4. SHUT THE FUCK UP!

**Akatsuki lifestyles **

**(A/N: I do not own Naruto or anything else you read in this fic that is in fact owned by someone else.)

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**

"Kakuzu I would like to talk to you, NOW!" Sasori ordered, Kakuzu looked over at the armless puppet master from the couch.

"_Grrr, damn it! What does that short ass bastard want now?" _Kakuzu thought, giving off a heavy sigh, boosting himself up off the couch.

"I decided to take a look at your ebay account about a half hour ago…" Sasori immediately got to the point.

"…_Oh Christ" _Kakuzu thought.

"So do you kind explaining to me, WHY a hundred and twenty two of my puppets are up for bidding!!!" The entire room fell silent, everyone in it turned to the pair.

"Errr… well you see, you weren't using them so I thou-

"SO YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD, NOT ONLY STEAL SOMEONE ELSE'S PROPERTY, BUT SELL IT ALL AND KEEP THE ENTIRE PROFIT!!! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?!?!?" Sasori went completely ballistic, and was yelling at an unnatural level.

"…Uhh"

"THAT'S IT!!" A large dagger, shot out of Sasori's chest and was inches away from piercing Kakuzu's heart. "I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL KILL YOU IF I DON'T GET MY-

"WHAT THE HELLS GOING ON IN HERE?!?" The leader burst into the room, flailing his arms about manically.

"…well Sasori-san is about to kill Kakuzu-san" Kisame deadpanned, with a video recorder in his hand.

"WHAT!? Sasori what the hell, you know the rules!" The leader lectured.

"But Itachi tried to kill Orochimaru!" Sasori went all child like and began stamping his foot on the floor.

"Actually Sasori-san, Orochimaru attacked me first, I was forced to retaliate" Itachi shot back placidly

"_Wait, so does that mean I can kill Kakuzu?"_ Zetsu totally miss-interoperated what the others were talking about, remembering yesterday when he 'spontaneously combusted', so he charged at Kakuzu baring his teeth.

"AAARRRGGG, DIE GREEDY MOTHER FUCKER!!" Zetsu was pretty much second away from eating Kakuzu whole when Hidan burst down the door to his room.

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP! IM TRYING TO PRAY IN HERE!!!" Hidan then launched his 3-bladed scythe at random and caught the tops of Zetsu's 'foliage', which sent him flying, and pinned him against the back wall.

"Whoa, this is getting good" Kisame snickered, wondering how all this would end.

"Kisame-san, what are you doing with that video camera?" Itachi pondered

"I'm trying to tape over my dad's stupid ass 'national geographic' lion porn"

"NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC IS NOT STUPID!!!" Itachi immediately got pissed off

"Oh shit…" Kisame knew he just screwed himself over

"MANGEKYO SHARINGAN!!!!!!!11!!" Itachi used Tsukiyomi on Kisame, sending him into a whole new dimension of pain.

"Tobi is a good boy"

"SHUT THE HELL UP TOBI! LOOK EVERYONE STOP TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER!" The leader bellowed

"Will someone please, GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING WALL!!" Zetsu yelled unable to take Hidan's scythe out of his leaf head things, when a new voice boomed over the scene.

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Sasori's ears perked up immediately, "I'm trying to work here" It was non other than Deidara.

"DEIDARA…" Sasori immediately got pissed off at his squad mate, he hadn't seen his face for 2 solid weeks, and of course had not seen his arms for 2 solid weeks. Deidara, who soon realised he dropped the ball by showing his face like that, immediately began thinking up plans to get the hell away from here as quickly as possible. "WHERE ARE MY ARMS?" Sasori's voice sounded like pure murder.

"Heh, hey danna! How's life?" After this Sasori gunned straight for Deidara, who blitzed to the other end of the living room, picked up Kisame's lifeless frame (thanks to Itachi) and was prepared to use it as a human shield. Sasori stopped running, and began grinding his teeth.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER TO OUR PROBLEMS!!!" Hidan bellowed shaking his fists in the air

"…WE'RE ALL TERRORISTS! HOW IS VIOLENCE NOT THE ANSWER?!" Kakuzu shot back, completely confused

"Tobi is a good boy" Tobi commented

"SHUT THE FUCK UP TOBI!" Everyone else replied

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M ON THE FUCKING PHONE!!!" The female member of Akatsuki burst in the room, deciding to chip in her two cents.

"WE DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE!!" The leader shout back

"SO WHAT THE FUCKS THIS IN MY HAND DICKHEAD?" The female member cocked, brandishing a mobile (cell for Americans) phone and waving it threateningly at the leader.

"HEY! I'M THE LEADER YOU CANT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!" The leader was now well and truly pissed.

"WILL SOMEONE GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING WALL!!!" Zetsu screamed

"I'll get you down Zetsu-san, Tobi is a-

"DON'T YOU DARE FINNISH THAT SENTENCE TOBI! NOW EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!" The leader was just about ready to start killing people

"I'LL SHUT UP WHEN KAKUZU TAKES MY PUPPETS OFF EBAY!" Sasori complained

"KAKUZU, TAKE SASORI'S PUPPET OFF EBAY" The leader ordered

"NO WAY!" Kakuzu yelled

"AND WHEN DEIDARA GIVES ME MY DAMN ARMS BACK!" Sasori continued

"DEIDARA, GIVE SASORI HIS ARMS BACK!" The leader ordered

"NO, hmmm!" Deidara stamped on the ground

"WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME!!!?!?!??!?!!111?!?!1" The leader fell to his knees and began crying hysterically. Suddenly Itachi snapped out of using his mangekyo sharingan, and soon realised what was going on.

"You people are all idiots, I'm going home" Itachi took off, and walked out the front door.

* * *

2 minuets later…

"…wait a minuet, did Itachi-san just leave Akatsuki?" Kisame asked, even though he should now presently be in a coma.

"I dunno, I've been sitting here for like a half hour and I still don't know what's going on," Naruto said, flicking through random channels on the TV.

"Ah, a'ight then" Kisame said casually, "…hang on a second, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!" Kisame skitzed looking back at the couch to find that the Uzumaki had disappeared. "Man I gotta stop taking this shit, it's screwing with my head" Kisame took out a random bag of white powder from the inside of his cloak, and threw it into the trashcan beside him.

"Tobi is a good boy"

"OMFUCKINGOD, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! YOU STARTING TO PISS ME OFF NOW!!!" Hidan ordered

"I'M ON THE FUCKING PHONE, NOW EVERYONE SHUT UP OR I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" The female member screamed, warning everyone for the last time.

"I LIKE PIE!!!" Zetsu bellowed

Everyone fell silent.

"…What? I do!" Zetsu complained

"Dude even for a planet you're a complete idiot" Kisame joked, slamming his hand down on Zetsu's shoulder.

"Shut it, shark head" Zetsu cocked

"I agree with Uchiha, you people ARE all idiots. Why I joined Akatsuki in the first place I'll never know, I'm leaving" Hidan remarked, taking his 3-bladed scythe and began walking towards the door. The leader however, had began slowly calming himself down after his obsessive crying, enough to hear Hidan's comment. Who then jumped into Hidan's way blocking his exit.

"HIDAN, I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU WALK OUT OF THIS DOOR, I'LL KILL YOU" The leader warned

"I'M IMMORTAL YOU ASSHOLE, LETS SEE YOU TRY IT!!" The pair began staring lightning bolts into each other's eyes. Zetsu used this distraction to attack Kakuzu again, and Deidara had suddenly vanished from the scene. Sasori soon figured this out and took off after him.

"DEIDARA, I WANT MY FUCKING ARMS BACK!!11!" Only obsessive laughter could be heard from the hallways. The female member of Akatsuki sighed in annoyance, and walked back into her room.

"Yeah mom, the're are it again…" She droned down her mobile (cell)

"AAGGH, ZETSU STOP EATING MY LEG YOU PRICK!!" Kakuzu screamed in pain.

"NEVER!!!" Zetsu replied

"AAARRRGGGGHHH!!!"

* * *

Back in the open, a tactical squad ANBU black Ops from Konohagekure were in the process of a stakeout on the Akatsuki base.

"Okay, so we've been observing the hideout for a solid 4 hours and there is no movement what-so-ever on the outside, we need to get closer" The squad leader ordered.

"Right!" Two other shinobi replied.

"Wait!" The last ANBU said in amazement, "what the fuck…" The three other shinobi turned in his direction to find Itachi Uchiha walking towards them, undoing his Akatsuki cloak and throwing it to the ground, the same with his ring.

"HALT UCHIHA!" All four ANBU said in unison, drawing kunai.

"Tch, whatever you guys, I've had it with Akatsuki, so just put the kunai away, I'm not going to fight you." Itachi said placidly, taking out a bottle of acetone (nail polish remover!)

"…Wait, so you're just walking away from Akatsuki?" The squad leader was completely confused

"Yeah, I'm heading back to Konohagekure, And if your four are planning on attacking the Akatsuki base, believe me you should SERIOUSLY reconsider coming back next week or something." And with that, the Uchiha took off without another word.

"…Okay" The ANBU squad leader was still totally confused.

"…yeah" The three other members deadpanned

* * *

**(A/N: YAY! Finally that's finished; I had lots of fun making this chapter! So I really hope you all had lots of fun reading it! And if you didn't then fuck you! But anyways, please review! I love you all for the positive feedback, I and would like lots more! Screw the flames, and pile in the suggestions pleasezzzzz!)**

**The Jar Head!**


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